A Thanksgiving miracle apparently occurred that went unnoticed until now. I have a field cam out in my back wooded acres to keep tabs on some unwanted hunter issues I was having and to keep up on the wildlife activity out there. I changed out the batteries and the memory card recently and was going through the large number of pictures when low and behold I stumble on this beast. At first I was scared for my pets because clearly this demon spawn is in search of prey to send back to the land of the dead. After checking on the dogs of course, I sat down to assess the situation. Apparently it was caught by the camera in the 4:00am time frame, required the infrared strobe to pull it from the cover of the night and is obviously well fed. The oddest part was this is the only frame in a 9 frame consecutive burst that caught the demon. There is nothing in the frames before it or after it. Ruling out all the wildlife native to my woods, I started researching the possibilities. Countless hours reading wildlife books at the library, tiring late nights surfing every off ramp on the information highway (Al Gore our technology savior) and a few beers with the locals at the nearby pubs resulted in only one conclusion. A conclusion that is destined to make my bank account swell to unimaginable size. A conclusion that will have the media consuming every second of my daily schedule yet doesn’t require me to duct tape a bunch of plastic together and fill it with helium. Yes, folks, the terror you see before you is none other than “The Goat Sucker”. I will let that sink in a while tick tick tick tick……. maybe the translated name is throwing you a bit… are you sitting down? are the lights on? are your credit cards nearby? for the The Goat Sucker to our Southern tongues is CHUPACABRA (an assist goes out to Pakage for helping me with the spelling).
I know, I could hardly believe it myself. Apparently Jerry Ayer is not the only one to find the creature (who later sold it to the Lost World Museum last September). Although it is a little difficult to validate all the supposed features of the demon creature (reptile like skin, spines down the back, red eyes etc.) it clearly has a nasty set of teeth/fangs in which to suck the blood out of its victims. This also opens up an additional possibility on the cause of a previous post I made on the dead coyote. I had originally hypothesized that the cause of that death was drowning, but now it may have been the result of an unlucky encounter with the Chupacabra. An encounter that resulted in the blood drained carcass being dragged up onto the branches by the scythe like claws. The nasty venom causing the coyote’s skin to turn to leather thus providing the well preserved carcass in the pictures.
Now I just need to figure out the best way to market this invaluable gift from the dark side. Should I put a large sign by the road advertising the chance to see the only Chupacabra ever found alive (for a mere $20 bucks which is the amount I got ripped off.. I mean invested at Crazy Horse) or maybe break out my rifle and track this creature myself so I can embed it in a freezer full of ice and go on public TV to find the highest bidder (except this time it will not just be a Halloween costume). Maybe call up Bravo and persuade them to film a reality show about me instead of a couple of broke washed up socialites. Or possibly call the Stealth Cam guys and get an endorsement as the only camera to catch a mythical creature. All I know is I better figure this out quick if I am going to capitalize on this opportunity or worse yet it finds me before I capture it. Until then, feel free to send me as much money as you can and I’ll be sure and put you at the top of the list to participate in whatever action I decide to take and just maybe I’ll even send you the picture above personally autographed in appreciation for your eagerness to witness history.
Honey, get the car, we’re going to make this a great Christmas this year! Thank you Chupacabra for making us wealthy beyond our wildest dreams. Well, maybe not beyond our wildest dreams, but at least enough to pay for the tax fallout from the “Ticket for Change” farce.